SeftyBaby

location: Bedroom

mood: contemplative

music: Regina Spektor

The papers are around me. I don't look at them.
It'll be over soon.
The voices are there. They whisper, talk and shout.
I can do better? How? Tell me!
The screams travel upstairs, followed instantaneously by the laughter. Whats happening there?
Whats happening here? The mess on the inside, the mess on the outside. It haunts me.
Mirrors, windows, photographs - forever they shall be my enemy
I have perfected the art of emptily staring.
I take nothing in, yet everything hurts.
They tell me of their love, of their happiness. 
They complain about their spots or the fact they cant fit in size 10 jeans.
I sit their and laugh. If only they knew!
The tears roll onto my knee. Why are they here?!
The overwhelming feeling of guilt is constant.
But surely...surely I'm better than that?
I read his letter; look at his photographs. His words offer nothing but distress; torment.
Yet still I cling to them. To him. To the memories.
Green!  Surely I'm not like this? Please...
I hear his voice. The voice I've heard a thousand times.
I need him.
To hold me
To want me
If only he knew...

location: Bedroom

mood: lonely

music: Brand New

Sorry for moaning in these posts, albeit there's only been two and I doubt anyone reads them :), but oh well! I've had such a boring day today; my plan was to actually get some college work done, once again I have failed. Instead I've been sort of looking after Ryan. He had quite a nasty fall on the astroturf on Wednesday, resulting in a few layers of skin being peeled off and severe concussion. He seems a lot better today, granted he's still not "with it" and unfrotunately we think he's going to be scarred, he doesn't know this yet :(
I may pretend to hate him, but I dont. I hate seeing him like this and only wish I could do something to help him, but alas I seem to fail at this aswell!

I've been thinking today about friends, and what friendship means. So far I've figured that it's accepting someones faults and hoping they accept yours, and then finding some sort of mutual trust and similar interests. I mean, even if you had so much in common with someone if you're never going to accept their faults you're never going to be friends right? Correct me if you think Im wrong by all means :)

I've also been thinking about best friends and what it means. I don't see my best friend at all, never. I don't know why, sometimes I get the impression she doesnt want to; something she's confirmed a few times (for reasons I won't get into). But this makes me wonder, what does it take to call someone your best friend?  Having a best friend is like being in a relationship. There's a hell of a lot of commitment and expectation on both parts, but quite often than not the good times definately outweigh the bad and make all the time and effort worth it. Therefore my only dilemma is this; if you don't even see your best friend enough to experience the good times, if sometimes you feel there is more bad than good, if you feel you're willing to put in more time than they are is it worth it? So far I have thought so, but now I'm beginning to doubt it. Im losing her and I hate it. We both acknowledge this, we have done for a while, so why has nothing changed? Infact it's only gone worse. Our relationship now seems to exist purely on MSN, something which I despise. I just want her to come round to mine, have a brew and chat, rather than talk about everything over an internet connection. 
Then there's that one girl I see everyday. The girl I know that if I needed her she'd drop everything just to sit and watch TV with me. Our relationship is a completely different one. We spend so much time with each other; I tell her everything; knowing that whatever I have done she won't judge me. We can be ourselves around each other, to such an extent we sit and have a chat whilst she has a poo :) mmm nice! Its weird that I hardly ever call herself my best friend; and infact when I do I surprise myself. But the truth is she is and I don't tell her enough how much I love and appreciate her!

location: Living Room

mood: crappy

music: Ray LaMontagne-Trouble

I figured I may as well take advantage of this journal by actually writing in it. I'm not too sure why I signed up to this, I think it's because I have trouble expressing the way I feel in "reality" and the chances are when you meet me in a real life situation I will crack a few sarcastic, dry jokes and attempt to talk about others, that way avoiding talking about myself especially my own feelings. But if this is the case then surely a normal diary would suffice? Maybe then this is simply a place to exercise my own arrogance, a place where I actually believe people would want to come and gain valuable insight into my mind? I'm most comfortable in believing my motive is somewhere in the middle of these two, as it most likely is.

The reason I've chosen tonight to take advantage of this feature is because tonight I feel really...how can I put this...shitty. I've cried more today than I have in a long long time, and to some extent its a relief. After months of declaring myself emotionally numb, I have finally felt an emotion other than apathy. Though to be perfectly honest I think I would rather be numb than experience the sheer amount of sadness, paranoia and an overwhelming sense of loss I am now. I have no idea why I'm feeling like this, none at all. Unfortunately whilst my emotional state has dramatically changed today the complete lack of motivation remains and so I sit here with absolutely loads of work, revision, jobs to do wishing it would all just go away, but wishing never gets you anywhere right?

Life is seriously stressing me out at the moment. Its four weeks till exams and whilst I'd never admit it, I'm crapping myself about them. I hate it when people have a go at me for feeling like that, "You've got nothing to worry about" 
I have everything to worry about; I have so much expectation from everyone, including myself, and if I don't live up to this I doubt I could ever forgive myself. I feel like such a loser feeling like this over some stupid exams, but hey thats me.
My family situation is getting no better. My gran went too far tonight on the phone talking about my Mum to me, and judging by my silence I think she realised, yet she carried on; further proof she doesnt care about the effect this has on me. Infact the greater the effect on me the more she's winning right? My Grandad also seems to be siding more towards her everyday. I feel like I've lost him, and this upsets me more than anyone will ever know. Still the pressure remains upon me about the situation with my Nanna. She wants to meet me at somepoint after 6 years, and my gran and grandad, now free from my mum, seem to be taking her side. They think I should give her an answer within the next week; something which Im going to find impossible. After years of having MY decisions made for me, and MY family changing constantly without me having the measliest say in any of it I finally get to make a decision myself, and yes, I am totally unprepared for it!
Finally on the family front I'm worried sick about my Mum for reasons I wont go into now.
All in all a pretty shit day! I have so much more to say but this entry is long enough; I shall write some more tomorrow!